Vacancy Tonic

(a Discordian Play)




*~*~*



Cast of Characters:



The Wanderers are three in number, wearing hooded gray robes.  They speak somberly.

The Doubter is dressed in black and spends most of his time lying on the floor, 
arms cast to either side, reciting his lines rather drily and darkly.

The Diviner is also wearing black, sitting in a lotus position, and speaks 
as if part of him is lost in faraway thoughts.  He has a pair of dice.

The Cool Guy sits in a chair and looks cool.  He wears something dapper and a 
pair of shades.

The Little Girl has her hair in pigtails and a fairytale / Little Red Riding Hood / 
Dorothy kind of quality about her.  She does a bit of traipsing around but is also 
a bit haunting.

The Chaos Fairies are five in number.  They are wearing rather whimsical and outrageous 
costumes.  One of them blows bubbles, Two plays with a spinning top, 
Three and Four bat a balloon between them.  
The fifth is a bit more ethereal and radiant.  She enters last and stays towards the back.



*~*~*



(The stage starts out dark, save for a light upon the three Wanderers.  
In the darkness are Cool Guy, the Diviner, and the Doubter.)



The Wanderers:

(Wanderers 1 and 2 alternate lines in plainface, smoothly.  Wanderer 3 speaks lines in italics.)



still word 

"what?" 

reverberating in hollow skull 

dark vacuum 



nature is dull



television tuned to static dead channel  

eerie blue glow thick of night fleeting thoughts 

cold



you are not a participant.

you are divorced from what is around you.



like love running toward pinprick headlights in the dark 

sudden vision of a strange breaking city      

gone now 



i think therefore i am



empty parking lots and deserted gas stations 

sign on rusty hinges creaking uneasy in the wind  

intermittent crackling of neon sign VACANCY 

in big disrupted letters 



an object at rest remains at rest

deus ex machina



driving alone under dead sodium lights 

blinking red lights hostile air subhumans scurrying 

walk the streets under sky pink and diseased



everything is the sum of its parts



twisting darkness floating deliberately 

rasping whispers razing unseen 

nothingness groping underneath cover of false smiles and suggestions unnamed  



matter is dead

the scientist is a detatched observer

only what is observable is real



sound of empty wind grating hollow 

light spreads over the cracked land-  revealing bleakness- 



we are nothing but neurons firing



somewhere, something must be reacting



(as the others begin to speak, Wanderers fade away to exit).

Light shines on Little Girl (singsongy and she flutters as she speaks):



We run up against the plague of vacancy when we try to get anywhere.

Succumbing, we let it sink into our very bones,

Not raptured.  Never conceding.

but lulled, unawares, listening to ancient clocks

wind down---

Yet to follow it does not lead to the place

where the world stops.



Light shines on Doubter (lying outstretched on floor):



To ignore it, rather, leads to Certain death--

A certain kind of death,

where motion has no meaning,

where motion is all we have, endless,

where sleep is faint, restless,

where death is in fact, deathless.



Light appears on Diviner (sitting crosslegged on floor):  

Poof!

[Rolls the dice.]



Light appears on Cool Guy (sitting on a chair, sprawled out relaxed and cool):



do not ask questions

do not know yourself

do not be surprised

be bored

be disinterested

be jaded

be cool



(The Wanderers have left.  The light is so that all the characters can be seen: 
the little girl, the cool guy on his mediocre throne, the doubter off to the side, 
and the diviner near the center.)



Diviner:

I'm trying to figure something out.

(murmuring)  It's a puzzle, it's a puzzle, it's a puzzle.



[Rolls the dice.]

The hand of chance has infinite fingers.



[Rolls the dice.]

The hand of chance has five fingers.



Little girl (as she speaks, she wanders towards Diviner and comes to kneel by him):

My world is afflicted.

Once the rocks, the trees, the people were alive.

We cast the bones

we danced around the stones

circles continuous

and genuous.

things were in the process of becoming or begoing

then they finished and became still

the indwelling spirits vanished like 

birds before a sharp winter descends like

small creatures when a storm bears on the horizon.

Once each river had its own spirit

once we were part of the world.



(pauses, looks earnestly & beseechingly at Diviner)



Can the world be re-enchanted?

What's the cure for the plague of vacancy?



Cool Guy:

Are you cool?

Look, my shades alienate me from the world.

I'm a disinterested observer.

Watch me be disinterested in you.



Diviner:  [Rolls the dice].



There are a few roads from here, a few and dwindling in number.

I see a technopoly, filled with empty infected data.

I see bloodshed and death.

I see something nebulously wholesome and wonder full and far to reach.



Doubter:  There is no new thing under the sun.  Vanity is all.



Diviner:  [Rolls the dice].



Solve et coagula.

Do you seek a solution, or a dissolution?



Little Girl:  I seek life.



Diviner:  [Rolls the dice].



I know someone who can help you.

I don't know how you'll find her.

She has a reputation for trouble.

Something about a... golden apple?



[Drumming begins.  Softly, afar.]



[The Chaos Fairies dance their way on stage, eyes afire.]

[Softly chanting as they enter...  Panta rhei, panta rhei, panta rhei, IO Eris...  
As each one speaks, she strikes a pose, and the others are softly chanting and 
playing with their toys, moving about the stage.]



First fairy:  She is the daughter of night and the mother of whimsy.

Second fairy:   Laughter is her herald and laughter is her gift.

First fairy:  She casts strife and flicks life with tongues of fire.

Second fairy:  Mirth and merriment spring from her step.

Third fairy:   Chasmically deep are your soft, bright eyes.

Fourth fairy:   Cosmically ripe are your shimmering lips.

Third fairy:  Atoms quiver within your dazzling dark being.

Fourth fairy:  Universes dance within your rainbow-spun hair.

Fifth fairy (steps forward, drumming stops):  

I am chaos.  From mechanical darkness to quantum light I come to you.  
Laugh in happy anarchy.  I am alive, and I tell you that you are free.



Diviner (almost smiling):  The hand of chance has five fingers 
and they are attached to the arm of Eris!



[Drumming.  With energy, but soft as to not overshadow the words.]



First fairy:  Panta rhei, panta rhei, everything flows.

Second fairy:  Only process is real, the process is the product, everything is becoming.

First fairy:  Quantum light and the uncertainty principle

Second fairy:  Means that there is no detached observer

First fairy:  We are all players here

Third fairy:  Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.

Fourth fairy: Whimsy and merriment are afoot!

First fairy:  There is no tyranny in the State of Confusion.

Second fairy:  Golden apple pie in the sky.

Fifth fairy:  Everywhere is Wonder Land. 

[Drumming slows]



Cool Guy (he's no longer on the chair, but sitting on the floor, 
hugging his knees to his chest):It's not cool to wonder.

Wonder is cute on little children.

There's no time for wonder.

Not cool, not cool, not cool.



[Silence drums]



Doubter:  Your wonder is like a fragile flower.  Once it is crushed it will never return.



Chaos fairies (alternating):

Convictions cause convicts.

What is asleep can be reawakened.  

Everything is true, all is permitted.

Dance in illegal spaces, demand spiritual beauty.

Today find someone and tell them you love them.

Write a poem somewhere unexpected.

Steal a watermelon and feed it to strangers.

Every moment ask yourself if you are awake.

There is serenity in chaos.  Seek ye the eye of the hurricane.

And when individuals become free then humanity will be free.

Fifth fairy:  May you be free of the Plague of Vacancy.

May you breathe deeply

never ceasing to embrace

the chaos, the wonder, the flux.

Chaos fairies:  Hail Eris!



Doubter:

While you play our tax dollars are training another dictator.

While you play Bechtel and Halliburton are making another million.

While you play another free trade agreement is being negotiated.

While you play another acre of woodlands is being destroyed.

While you play another species blinks out of existence.



Chaos Fairies (each speaks a line, twirling and striking poses as they speak):

If we don't play we might as well be dead already.

We have died already a thousand times.  

Solve et coagula.

What if doomsday has been cancelled?

You've played this game before!



Diviner:

If it's just a silly game, why do we keep playing?

[Rolls the dice.]

All bets are off.



Cool Guy (still huddled on floor, shades off):  I just wanted people to like me.



Little Girl comes over to Cool Guy, impulsively & childishly kisses him on the cheek, 
ruffles his hair, laces her fingers through his hand.

[There's a bit of an awkward silence.]

A Chaos Fairy comes and puts a flower in Diviner's hair.



Doubter (drily, sardonically):

I can't wait to see what happens.



Finis.